


No Good In Goodbye

by Mamogirl



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Break Up, Fluff, Getting Back Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, slices of life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-20 16:17:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9499787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamogirl/pseuds/Mamogirl
Summary: There was nothing good in goodbye but there was something even better into realizing that you’ve finally found the place where to belong.





	

No Good In Goodbye

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_There was no good in goodbye, now Nick knew that. He had acted on instinct, he had thought it would be better but now he knew that he had been wrong. Completely wrong. Because he hadn’t realized how much Brian’s presence had already slipped through his routine, how impossible was to separate his echoes from a time where Nick hadn’t need to worry over stupid things._

_Like watching a stupid tv-show. Like looking over at his calendar and realize that everyday there was something related to Brian, notes and notes he had written down because he had wanted to be sure not to forget. Like all the cooking books he had bought because he had wanted to learn, or at least try to do a surprise without killing his lover._

_There was nothing good in hiding from love. True love. Now Nick knew that. Now Nick knew that he had made a terrible mistake, and not only because he had hurt the person he loved the most but because he had made himself miserable too. His life was miserable, much way worse than before he and Brian had decided to intertwine their lives together: now silence was much more defying, reminding him how those walls and rooms had always been full of laughter and words, fragments of a life that was finally becoming to shape itself into something so beautiful and, at the same time, so scaring and terrifying. But more scaring, now, was coming home and finding Brian’s absence waiting for him, ghosts of everything they had done together and that Nick had treasured so close to his heart._

_And he had thrown all away. For nothing._

_The tv was mocking him, its black screen taunted him and, just for a second, Nick thought about picking up the remote control and threw it against, just to see that damn glass shattering and stop making fun of him. For a moment Nick thought about getting up and going to uncover that special stock, his safe net for when things would be that bad that only a quick fix could make him feel better._

_Was there another better occasion than that?_

_No. That thought lasted only a second. He wasn’t going to ruin everything, not even for a brief promise of ignorance and bliss. He wasn’t going to dwell and cry over himself and his bad decisions, playing the victim once again because he just wanted someone else to come and pick up his mess. He was the one that had to pick him up and clean all the things that weren’t going in his life: he missed Brian? Well, the only thing that was going to put a stop on that was to go over his house and tell him the truth. Beg him, if it was necessary._

_And so that was Nick did._

 

 

 

 

 

*********

 

 

 

 

 

“Nick? What’s wrong?”

Something was definitely wrong, although Brian couldn’t exactly tell what. But Nick looked agitated, his hands trembling and shaking as though hundreds and millions of threads of electricity were going through his veins and nerves.

He shouldn’t care, Brian knew that. He shouldn’t be concerned. He shouldn’t be worried. He shouldn’t feel that instinctual and natural need to fix whatever was troubling the younger, heal whatever was making him feel like that. Brian knew that he shouldn’t feel all those feelings running through his body, or the way his heart had made a butterfly jump at the mere sight of those blond hair and those blue eyes, big and so freighted.

But Brian cared anyway. But he felt all those emotions anyway because love didn’t have a turn off switch, it wasn’t something that one could forget in a blink. Especially that kind of love that had run between he and Nick, that kind of love that was meant to last forever and... No, Brian corrected himself. It should have been the kind of love that everyone would have talk about but it hadn’t been, because sometimes life decided that it was way funnier to have a go and throw everything in the air. It should have been but, maybe, that had scared Nick so much that he had preferred to take a step back, to break things before they became too serious and potentially too painful.

But Brian still cared for him. But Brian still loved Nick, nothing was ever going to change that small but so big and important detail. And he was going to help Nick, no matter how much his heart would break being so close and, yet, so unable to be one and whole.

“I... I shouldn’t have come. I was the one breaking and... sorry, I shouldn’t...”

It was wrong, Nick thought. What was he thinking? It was stupid, after all. He had made a decision after nights and nights of thinking and pondering, working up the courage to hurt and, possibility, destroy his only chance to be happy. And loved. But the time hadn’t been right, not with all those things that he wanted to achieve and... he was kidding himself. He was fooling himself thinking, and trying to believe, that he was going to be okay with being alone. No, not just alone but without Brian in his life, from waking up with him to going to sleep with his arms wrapped around his smaller figure. Was it that wrong to think, to believe and to hope to have another chance?

“Ehi. Ehi. You came here. We may have broken up but I’m still your friend.”

“I know.” Nick agreed, an embarrassed and shy smile that finally managed to curve his lips.

“What happened?” Brian asked, opening the door a little more so Nick could get inside. It was a typical spring night, they sky so clear that one could finally spot those gold and bright stars that, lining up all together, appeared to have led Nick back to Brian; the air wasn’t cold anymore, it was just a gentle breeze that caressed the skin as if it was a welcoming kiss from a higher power.  

“You’re gonna think it’s stupid.” Nick managed to say, feeling at little more at ease, as if nothing had never really happened between them. As if they were still together, no difference between being friends and lovers because there had never been a line between those two roles.

And Nick should have known it.

And Nick just hoped that it wasn’t too late to change it back, to bring both of them back to the past, back to where they, he, had broken things because staying away... well, staying away had probably been one of the worst decision Nick had ever made in his life.

“Now, when have I laughed at your stupid things?” There was humor in that reply, that kind of sweet and gentle playfulness that had always linger in their back and forth, in that flash of words that had always felt amazing because neither Nick or Brian had ever experienced it with someone else.

“Lots of times.”

“But I still listened to you.”

“Always.”

“So, come on, sit on the couch and tell me what’s wrong.”

That’s when Nick saw it. The television. The black screen of the dvr, those white letters and numbers that, ironically, had been the very main reason of his sudden realization. And, for the first time in a long time, Nick felt at home. It was like all those scenes burned into his mind, all those late evenings spent curling up on a couch just like that one, though sometimes it would change because they were travelling and yet didn’t want to put their tradition on hold. Those images, blurred figures that looked so much like them because they were them, didn’t hold anymore that acid and terrible taste of something that had been lost and couldn’t be found anymore. On the opposite, it was something that Nick could cling to and draw strength from, that intimacy that he had been looking for all of his life and that he hadn’t been able to understand.

Not right away.

But now he did and he wanted it back.

“I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do or not.”

“What do you mean?” Brian asked confused. Still he couldn’t help but lean a little closer, resting his hand upon Nick’s arm and caressed it in a gesture of comfort.

“I... I’m talking about that.” Nick replied, pointing his index towards the black screen.

“My television?” Brian asked again, eyebrows pinched and frowned even more.

“Not the television. The show. That show we were watching together and that we swore that we would wait for the other to continue. What happens now? Because I was at home and I was doing the same thing you were doing, trying to decide what to watch and... I just couldn’t bring myself to.”

Brian’s eyes softened. He couldn’t help it, he could see the regret starting to linger inside Nick’s eyes and he knew that breaking up had always been a mask, a defensive and coping mechanism against fears and old monsters.

“I couldn’t do it too, if it helps.”

Nick looked down for a moment, staring at those fingers that, as thought they had their own freedom and control, had managed to meet halfway. He had never been good with words, he had always let Brian doing all the heartfelt and romantic confessions because his words always seemed to get stuck between his brain and his mouth: words would get lost, intentions would be left hanging and that feeling of letting Brian down or disappoint him would become too much to bear or deal with. Nick had always been much better with gestures, letting his body become a silent speaker so that nothing would be left hanging or misunderstood.

Especially with Brian.

He had never been able to tell him how much he loved him, even after Brian’s confession the only words that had left his mouth were just stutters of incredulity and disbelief, fragments of thoughts and wishes that were impossible to take and transform into something audible or comprehendible. His reply had been a kiss, the most powerful and intense kiss that he could master, a heartfelt thank you because no one else had never been able to make him feel that kind of special, no one had ever made him feel like he finally mattered and deserved that kind of affection and emotion.

So words, that night, couldn’t work. They wouldn’t work because it was impossible, to Nick, put into sentences how stupid he felt for what he had done, how freaking and damn miserable he had felt without Brian’s presence in his life, making even a stupid thing as watching a show something to look forward. Something special, something worth to fight for and be anxious, be thrilled because it meant something much bigger, something much deeper: it meant that Nick wasn’t and would never be alone anymore, that he was going to have someone by his side to listen to his rumblings about football matches or movies that Nick knew Brian wouldn’t watch if it wasn’t for him. It was something so stupid, so little if compared to the big picture and to all those epic loves that had passed through books and movies. Yet, to Nick, it felt incomparable because loneliness and self loathing had always been his companions, the sinking feeling that he was never going to feel loved and appreciated, or that he was never going to have what everyone already had.

Nick leaned down, catching a glimpse of surprise inside those blue’s eyes before his lips came crashing down Brian’s lips and everything felt like normal again. Home. Where Nick belonged, with his body and soul craving for another touch, another inch closer and closer until distance and emptiness were only a distant memory in the back of his mind. Their minds. Because Brian didn’t stop that kiss, he didn’t even try to step back and interrupt that moment.

Because Brian didn’t want to stop. Because Brian had wanted to kiss Nick since that fearful night, that hour that was never going to be talked because it hurt and because it only belonged to a lapse of time. He would probably never admit how much it hurt to be left in a corner, colors and warmth stole away by a breath of cold loneliness.

He hated it.

He hated that feeling that had sunk deep inside his heart, that dread of coming home and already knowing that no one would be there waiting for him, no one would phone him in the middle of the night just because there hadn’t been any chances to talk until that moment. He hated feeling that lonely, which was totally different from being alone and he knew that he wasn’t such: it was something much harder to explain and to understand, something that got under his skin, a vicious voice that reminded him every day that there was no one around to listen to him, letting him vent about the day and comforting him when he didn’t even think he needed it. Missing someone was already hard and difficult when you knew that, sooner or later, they would come back and turn on all the lights and the colors; missing someone and knowing that they wouldn’t come back was a slow and infinite torture.

So no, Brian didn’t stop that kiss. He did the opposite, actually, grabbing the hem of Nick’s shirt and pushing him closer, passion and desperation curling themselves around those feverish and breathless touches of lips. Their hearts soared, their souls sighed as that hole, empty and getting bigger and bigger as solitary days added up on the calendar, was finally destroyed and filled with happiness and that amazing sensation of finally being one. Whole. Complete.

“I didn’t want to go on. Not without you.”

“I know.”

“I didn’t like it. Everything felt wrong. I shouldn’t... – Breath hitched, got caught between a lump that Brian’s lips hadn’t still managed to dissolve. - ... I shouldn’t have said those things.”

“Then why did you do?” Brian asked in a soft tone, fingertips tracing Nick’s jaw line.

It was just an honest question and, though a part of Nick wanted to shut it down with a kiss, he knew that Brian deserved an explanation. They both did, for Nick had never been to have that discussion with himself either, too scared and afraid to see his reflection and realize how much it had been modeled and turned around Brian.

Positions changed in a soft move, both of their bodies still accustomed to move as they were just one being and limbs and muscles immediately found their place: strong and warm arms wrapped themselves around Nick’s body as he placed his head on Brian’s chest, his favorite and safest place where he could let out everything running around his mind and that he couldn’t stop or frame. Never had been able to, truthfully, not until he had found that sounding board that had never made him feel stupid or idiot but, at the same time, helped him to take and hold them know.

“I guess I was scared. It, we were getting too serious and I didn’t want to fall into the risk of losing you. Suddenly it was as if I could see all the ways I wasn’t good enough, all the things that I failed to do as a partner. Suddenly there was this aching sensation that, one morning, you would realize how you deserved someone better, someone who would know how to care of you, and you would just walk out of this relationship.”

“Oh Nicky... no.” Brian only managed to say, his lips leaving a soft kiss on the top of Nick’s head. Any left traces of anger and hurt were suddenly gone, replaced by that natural and instinctual desire to fix everything that was making half of his heart suffer like that. And, once again, he wanted to leap out and go haunting down all those people who had helped that insecurity to grow as uncontrolled as it did until that moment.

“And I know I’m too messy and it always looks like there has been a tornado everywhere I’ve been. I know that it’s better if I don’t attempt to cook because I always end up almost poisoning you. And I know that half of the times I’m so and too much focused on my things, my problems and my projects to see what is going around me but... I love you. And I don’t want to watch a show if I don’t have you by my side commenting it and making me understand what I don’t know.”

“Don’t sell yourself too short. You’re smart. In your own way. – Nick couldn’t help but smile, couldn’t help but raising his head and brush Brian’s lips with his. – And yes, you’re messy but you never make fun of my over the top need to have everything under my control; you can’t cook but you always seem to know which restaurant can be my new favorite; and yes, sometimes, most of the times, you’re too over yourself but you never fail to remind me about my annual checkups, even though you know I dread them and I would rather be somewhere else. You do take care of me and you do it so well that there’s no one else I could ever trust with it.”

“Really?” Nick asked uncertain. Insecure. Disbelieved because he couldn’t rejoin those words with that image his mind had created and perpetrated for years and years, that himself that wasn’t and would never be able to take care of himself, let alone someone else. Let alone someone like Brian, someone who thrived to make sure that everyone was safe and sound and had everything they wished for.

“Really.” Brian assured. He would never get tired of this, of being the strong and confident one because it didn’t just help make Nick feel better, it didn’t just soothe his worries and lift him up a little bit higher. Being that person, pretend and play that role, was a sort of help for him too: it was a sort of reminder that he wasn’t that bad as his mind always tend to make him believe; he wasn’t that waste of an unique chance that he had been given when he had been only a child, for he had an amazing reason for keep trying to be better, to always be more than he was the day before.

Thanks to Nick.

Nick just raised his head up, brushing his lips against Brian’s before returning to the comforting lullaby of that heartbeat beating against his ear. There was nothing good in goodbye but there was something even better into realizing that you’ve finally found the place where to belong.

The person to belong to.

And Nick belonged in that place made of Brian’s arms wrapped around his waist. Nick belonged to Brian and nothing was ever going to change that.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back! All right!  
> This story was inspired by a scene that I've seen in "Jane The Virgin" so, of course, I wanted to try to adopt it to Brian and Nick.   
> Hope you all enjoy it and I do hope it will make you a smile a little, as it made me smile writing it. =) In the end, that's why I keep writing. =)


End file.
